Mental awareness is at an alarming state. Students, elementary or even undergraduate, suffer them daily and become victims to violence under the pretense of "playing and joking around". Bullies do what they do because of the thrill of having power over inferior ones. They do that because they are jealous of something they do not possess whether material or inmaterial. Once they have tasted the sense of superiority, they are tempted to feel it again and again. It is why bullying does not stop. Bullying comes in various forms, verbal and non-verbal. Some use violence because they are certain the victim would be too ashamed to speak up or too weak to fight back. Some use harsh, degrading words because there would be no proof of bullying and they could just deny it all. Bullying gives the same effects on the victims. They feel worthless, they feel hollow, they feel weak, useless and hopeless. Some extreme cases may lead to depression and suicide. Bullies, they only enjoy the high view and do not consider the harm they have caused. So, when the victim finally shows suicidal signs, the bullies hide. Whether you are the bully or victim, you both will suffer. The victim will carry scars and hurt while the bully will carry the regret and remorse. There is no happy ending in bullying. Even among friends, sometimes we do not realize the damage we make just because we are comfortable with our friends. 'Violence is never the answer.' 'No means no.' Being victim to bullying for almost my whole life, I still carry the hurt. It does not feel good, I guarantee. Although my case of bullying was not severe, it took a toll on my mental state.
I was depressive and I could not be truly happy. I could laugh at funny show or at my friends but after that, I returned to the hollow shell I was. The bullies convinced me that I had nothing and I was worthless. To make it all worse, I believed in them and actually thought I was just dirt on earth and it would not make a difference if I died when I SHOULD HAVE NEVER believed. I could not talk to anyone about this because I thought people would throw harsher words at me when I spoke up. I did not want to talk to my parents about this because my parents were busy and I did not want to bother them. My bestie moved to another city due to college and I did not want to bother her as well. So, I held it in by myself. I held the anger, sorrow and hollow all by myself. Provocations were sent to me daily and all I had was anger. My mind ran fast with all sort of methods for revenge. I was never at peace and ease. I felt unloved even though I knew my family and precious friends loved me. I felt unloved because I was convinced that I did not deserve the love so, I DID NOT LOVE MYSELF. I tried to be positive although everything always returned to square one. It was a struggle. I did whatever I loved; I drew and I wrote. Writing was a therapy for me because it put my focus else where and I did not have to face reality. I drew because of the same effect. However, the bullies will always have ways to set you on flames. They started to ridicule and belittle what I did. I was so grateful that I could assert my self control and ignored them. Watching anime, drawing, and writing were my escape. They made me feel loved and they made me feel worthy of myself. I was happy when my writings could entertain people. That was when I learned that it is alright to be different. It is alright to be weak. It is alright to live for the little things you love whether it is to keep watching your favorite show, idol, anime or even to draw or write. I don't know the future but I can assure you there will be happy times. I am content and happy with the way I am. I am grateful for new, kind, and open-minded friends. I am grateful for every moment with them. I am grateful that I could see one of my favorite actors in front of me so close that I could just jump and touch him. I am happy that I can plan more fun stuff with my friends. I am happy I can share what I love. I am hapy I can slowly work my way to my dreams. I am happy. It does not mean I do not face problem or the hurt I got disappears. The scars are still on me but it proved just how much I have grown and that I won from the hatred within me. When I forgive the bullies, I forgive myself. When I have won against the hatred, I found self-acceptance and peace. I hope, you, who struggle with the same problem can find your peace and that you can see just how worthy you are. If you think you need help, find someone your trust and talk. If you need serious help, have your trusted companion to accompany to a psychiatrist. I am aware that there are cases where psychiatrist does not provide with the help you need. Remember that you can refuse if you think it is not the help you need. You can find another one which hopefully will help you with your burden. "Fear thou not; for I am with thee; be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness." Isaiah 41:10
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