It has been a while since I updated. If you are friends with me on Facebook, you might know that I have been getting all the blues and I was a mess inside. At the same time, I also recently had a photo-session. I have only shared several behind the scene photos that do not really tell what I was doing. So here, I would like to share. I do not particularly hide the fact that I have suicidal thoughts and depression. Although, I don’t mention it often. I want to just leave it alone so I don’t really speak about it. But now I think we all should talk about it. We should care about it. Behind the scene Photog - Khai For friends who were worried, I am alright. I struggle, but I will get back up. During those dark days, the thought that I was worthless and useless haunted me. I thought I was better off gone instead of staying still and not moving anywhere. I have dreams and ambitions but I was exhausted from the journey. I looked back into my life. How fast everything was moving and how far I had come. However, the thought that perhaps I should have bled to death that night when my stitches got ripped apart (I had a minor surgery) came to me and tears began to pour. My mind went further back when I was still a 4th grader and I was almost swept away in the sea in Bali. I thought, perhaps I could have just disappeared right there. Last year, I got dengue and I was at the edge of death. I thought perhaps I could just die in my sleep. If I had gone, I wouldn’t hurt anyone and I wouldn’t hurt myself by being just me. I imagined what family, friends, lecturers, and bullies would say if I was suddenly gone. One word popped into my mind, “What a shame” and it reminded of a senior in high school that passed away due to traffic accident. Because it was all people say when he passed away. “What a shame, he was such a bright student.” And “What a shame, he was days from National Exam”. Perhaps, if I were gone, I would receive the same statements from people around me. Suddenly that moment, I remembered someone had said, “Helping others is helping yourself”. I don’t remember who said it but it reminded me of a small donation me and colleagues made after earning an amount of cash from entrepreneurship simulation in college. I passed the cash personally to the head of a child institution in a talk-show; I was the moderator and he was one of the guest speakers. We discussed about how children got abused, sent for human-trafficking, and even sexual abuse. I remembered the message I received saying that the donation had been given for a girl who was bald and whose hair was growing. She was keen in learning and she was growing well. I want to do it again. I want to help. However, I cannot accomplish it alone so, I went to gather two of my closest friends and an amazing photographer to make a project. We will be making a photo-book. The photo-book will be a bit personal. It will contain what I have been through and I hope I can project it well. This is the first time I do concept photo-session with many symbolisms in it. Last but not least, this project would not be complete without your help. The photo-book will be sold and certain amount of it would be donated for the Institution in hopes they could buy books and clothes for the children. Books and clothes could mean less to us but they could mean a lot to those children. It is not just for those children, but also for me. I want to turn negativity into positivity. Who knows what kind of effect this will have on me in the future? I used to think that I want to do charity when I have the money but I don’t think I should be bothered with money. What is important is the action. So, I have taken step by step towards it. I hope once the photo-book is completed, people can find it relate-able and can find strength of their own to overcome with their issues. It is not easy but let’s take the baby steps first before deciding we have lost. Behind the scene
Photog - Khai
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